Through Amethyst Eyes
by lotus eloquence
Summary: Guilt, regret, and arranged marriages... can they ever be together? Eriol and Tomoyo fic.


Through Amethyst Eyes by eloquence27

Minna-san! It's my first Card Captor Sakura fic. Hope you guys love it. Suggestions and comments are very welcome.

Eloquence27

* * *

Chapter 1: Goodbye 

I'm about to do the dumbest thing ever. I am on my way to his house to drop off a letter...written by, yours truly. I'm not much of a vocal person; it took me ages to ask him to stay here in Tomoeda, and it would probably take eons for me to ask him to leave. So instead of pushing him away, I'll be the one to leave.

That's very pathetic, right? But what else could someone like me, a weakling, do to make things work? I don't have the courage to walk up to him and tell him to leave; that would be extremely rude. And besides, I can't resist his manly charms, his sexy stare, and especially the way he'd welcome my presence...I'd be too tongue-tied to even say hi!

As I pass by the park where I "supposedly" fell in love with him, I remember all the time we spent together. This would be too cliché, but I have to say that it was the best days of my life. I felt as if there are no such things as parents, school, grades and money, whenever I'm with him.

It's best that I leave Eriol. I'm not doing any good for him; I don't want to hold him back from the great things that he could do with his life. He would definitely be better off without me, because I know I won't. I mean, I'm not even sure if I love myself! So how can I say that I am in love with Eriol?

And I'm sick of having to deal with my shortcomings when I think about myself as a daughter. I never did anything to please my mother, even though I've been excelling in everything that she ordered me to. It looks easy for me to do, but in reality, I'm tired...tired of doing things that I don't want to do and what's worse is that Mom never said anything, making me feel that all my efforts are futile.

I never asked Mom for anything, except to let me make my choices in things like choosing what school where I want to study and choosing my friends. I mean, I'm the one who will be having a hard time studying if the school's environment doesn't meet my requirements? Not her, me! And who's going to have a difficult time fitting in with the type of crowd that I don't like? Me! She always reminds me that I should learn to stand on my own two feet, but how could I, if she won't let me make small choices like these?!

I am so pathetic! I even tried to fool myself that my mom's the real reason why I'm leaving. Damn, Tomoyo! Can't you just admit that you're scared of staying with Eriol because you're just thinking that you're vulnerable with him...that the real explanation is you're just scared of being happy; that you think you don't deserve the happiness you feel with him?

That's it. I won't let my mind get the best of me. I am leaving, and it's final. I just hope I have the strength to walk away from him.

I must leave and start anew...it's best, for the both of us. I hope he'll understand.

I can't tell him directly, so I'll just leave this at his mailbox instead. I hope that this could make up for what I can't explain to him personally.

Goodbye, Eriol Hiiragizawa.

* * *

Eriol, 

I have contemplated about this long enough. This would be the most selfish act that I'll ever do, but I must. You may not understand it right now, in fact, you'll get angry, ask yourself why this happened... I'm sorry but I am leaving you...for good. I said before that I won't let go, but I am taking it back.

Please don't think that I don't love you; I do... I still love you. I just have to find myself, so that I can find my way back to you. Good things don't usually happen to me, and when they do, I get scared. I have to admit that you're the best thing that happened to me, and I'm very grateful to God for that. There's nothing wrong with you, so please don't blame yourself for this.

I have to find myself... to settle whatever it is that I must, before I move on with my life. I need to change, and it has to begin with letting go of the PAST. The achievements, reputation, and experiences that I once had should not matter anymore; they were (supposedly) long gone. I have been trying to revive that, and it's wrong. Sadly, I must admit that you are part of the past that I'm trying to live again...and it's haunting me. The guilt that I have brought upon myself is beginning to torture me at night. And in order for this to stop...for me to make peace within myself, I have to put it all behind and start anew.

You were perfect...you're just too good to be true. We both know that it's going to be my loss now that I'm leaving you, but I need to do this by myself. I need to learn these things on my own. I realized that gaining myself back should be at the hands of anyone else but me. it seems to easy for me, right? It took me days of silence and contemplation to gather up the courage to do this.

I'm thanking you for the wonderful memories that you've engraved in my heart...they will remain at the depth of my very soul. I'm grateful for each moment that you made me smile...made me feel good about myself. It's just time for me to bring my self-esteem to life; I need to do this on my own.

Finally, I'm setting you free from me. I've understood how powerful I am when it comes to you...that I can bring about hell and destruction with something simple as words. And I know that I've abused that power for so many times that I've lost count. Instead of bringing you more joy, I've caused you more pain and misery. I want you to know that I'm tired of feeling guilty about you and how bad I've treated you. You're always saying that you don't know what you'd do without me...I think otherwise. You'll understand someday.

I'm not sure of how things will go between the two of us when after I've left, but I'm certain that I will be back...someday.

Love always,

Tomoyo

P.S.

I'll be writing as often as I can...don't worry about me.

* * *

Anger, confusion, and pity flooded the heart of the azure-eyed young man who owned our heroine's heart. The thing that was within reach was his beloved's letter; he remembered what she had just confessed. Unknowingly, he crumpled the piece of paper as he painfully whispered to himself. 

"I don't know what else to say, Tomoyo. I hope you're happy with what you've done." Eriol slowly stood up from the couch in his magnificent living room and headed off to his cellar.

* * *

DISCLAIMER: Card Captor Sakura belongs to CLAMP. 

I hope you guys loved it. Till the next chapter!

Eloquence27


End file.
